


Pets, man.

by caseykaboom



Series: Shenanigans at Avengers Park [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, F/M, M/M, Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 23:04:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1099615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caseykaboom/pseuds/caseykaboom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where the Avengers have pets and they play in the same park. Crack fic. Beware the fluff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pets, man.

**Author's Note:**

> Pet (owner):  
> Tony (Pepper)  
> Steve (Coulson)  
> Natasha (Clint)  
> Other-Clint (Natasha)

"Phil! Come in!" Pepper exclaimed.

What's with the commotion, Tony thought, shaking the lazy out of himself and sauntering over to the door.

There was a dog there. A _giant_ dog. Tony decided on the spot that he was not a dog person. Dog _cat_ , whatever.

To be fair, he was a beautiful dog. He just... pressed buttons, and Tony had a lot of buttons, and the dog had pressed them _all_ just by being there. Like the way he was perfectly golden. And combed, Tony had never before felt so disheveled, and he was _not disheveled_ , dammit, he was the prettiest man-cat in the neighborhood and all the lady-cats wanted him. And the way he _sat_ and _behaved_ and _panted_ a little, just, ugh, what's with that _face_?

"Your face looks stupid," Tony said.

The dog suddenly stopped panting and focused his attention on Tony. Tony bristled, arched his back and jumped a little, legs locked and rigid.

He reached his giant nose over and sniffed Tony. Tony was all but frozen.

But then the dog sat back, satisfied, and broke into a grin that should be more terrifying than cute-- too many teeth, Jesus what's with the _teeth_ \-- and said, "Hi, Tony. My name is Steve."

"How the hell did you know my name," Tony hissed.

"?" Steve cocked his head. "Your mom just said it."

"What? Oh. Hi," Tony reached out and swatted Steve's leg, by way of introduction, with just a tad more nails than was strictly necessary.

Steve lowered his head and _oh God what_ licked him in the face. Tony was stunned in place as Steve followed his mom into the living room.

+++

"Well, he _is_ pretty," Natasha said, licking a paw on a branch even higher than his. Tony had no idea how she was so calm-- his legs were shaking now every time the branch swayed, which was constantly, and he didn't dare looking down.

"If you haven't already noticed, he's kind of a different _species_ from us," Tony whined. Why did Natasha make everything sound (and look) so _easy_?

Natasha looked at him for a second, then went back to her paw. "So what? Me and Clint are different species."

"Will you stop lusting after your mom," Tony rolled his eyes.

"Clint is not my mom," Natasha licked at another paw. "My mom's a cat, thanks. I seriously don't get how you all think your owners are your moms. I mean I guess you were all adopted as kittens or pups or whatever _you_ were, but you look nothing alike. And you, Tony, you are a disgrace that can't even parse Pepper's speech when she talks fast."

"Oh, like you're so great at understanding Clint."

"We don't need to talk around each other," Natasha sighed dreamily. "He's a silent type. He's romantic like that."

"Wow, okay, all kinds of ew here. Could we get back to our original topic, now? What do I _do_ , Tash?"

"Go after him, is what I say." Natasha stood up, all grace and posture and shiny black fur. "If not because you're stupidly attracted to him, then do it for the bragging rights."

"Bragging rights, right," Tony muttered, watching her jump down the branches toward the ground. "Wait, hold on-- Nat, show me how to get down from here first!"

"You saw me jump all the way," Natasha called from the ground. "Hey Cap," she nodded to Steve.

"Hi Natasha," Steve panted, dropping the Frisbee in the grass. He'd been catching that Frisbee for half an hour now and Tony was _definitely_ not here just to see that and anyway he _still_ didn't have a hair out of place, how was that _fair_? The world was so _cruel_ to Tony.

"... all right?" Steve was looking in his direction, concerned. Tony felt his legs lock up again _has he noticed me what??_ Natasha looked back over her shoulder and Tony swore she snickered, was that even physiologically possible for a cat, and she said, "maybe you should go check up on him, Cap."

"I plan to," Steve nodded, picking up his Frisbee again and trotting over.

"Tell him to just jump," Natasha called, then snickered at Tony again and left.

That snitch, Tony thought miserably, as Steve reached the bottom of the tree.

"Don't listen to Natasha, she's totally a spy, and she's bitter because she can't have Clint which is entirely irrational because the only other thing Clint focuses any attention on was his bow and that's to shoot birds down to present to her," Tony blurted. "Which is _disgusting_ , who _eats_ birds anyway, not to mention other-Clint is our _friend_ , kind of."

Steve looked like he was about to laugh but stopped just in time. Which, hey, win for Tony. "Are you all right, Tony?"

"Well, uh, that depends. What's your definition of all right?"

"Tony." How did Steve already have _Pepper's_ "Tony" voice? This was just too many blows in one day. "Can you come down from that tree?"

"That-- what do you mean _can_ I, of course I _can_ , it's more of a matter of--"

"Then show me," Steve said, and Tony wasn't sure what did it, if it was the trust or the worry or the _fondness_ in his voice, but at that command Tony shut his eyes and jumped and just _hoped_ that a branch would catch him. One did.

"Good work, Avenger. Now the next one down."

Tony swallowed, opened his eyes and jumped, his limbs languid. He was getting the hang of this, he really was, and in his last jump he crash-landed beside Steve, shaking.

"Hiya," he said, breathless.

"Hiya back," Steve nuzzled him, then started licking him all over. Tony squirmed with a shriek and pawed at his face. "Steve, what are you-- eugh, stop that, it's so _wet_."

Steve, that gorgeous bastard, laughed. "Oops-- sorry about that," he said, and gave him one last lick that _drenched_ him.

Tony rolled around to wipe off all the drool, then rolled back to lie against Steve, face up. Steve's fur _swished_ , what the hell.

"Why does Natasha call you Cap, anyway," Tony asked, for no particular reason other than wanting to hear Steve talk.

"It's the Frisbee, I think," and his voice. was. beautiful. "My mom talks about work to me sometimes. He works with the Avengers," Steve turned his head to nose Tony under the chin. Tony purred. He couldn't help it _it's a physiological response okay_. "I'm named after one of them."

"I'm named after my mom's boss," Tony said, disdainfully. "Wait, you can understand your mom when he talks about _work_?"

"?" Steve tilted his head. Tony pawed at him again to keep nuzzling. "A little bit? Not always." He turned his head away entirely, and Tony was about to grumble when he said, "Hey, my mom's calling. Ready to go home, buddy?"

Tony grumbled, because. "Pepper's working late." His brain spun and clicked. "I, uh. Locked myself out." _Do cats even do that what_

"Oh," Steve said, standing up. "Come on, then. I'll show you my baseball!"

"I..." Tony looked at Steve, with that stupid face and that stupid Frisbee in his mouth, and drooled a little. Oh, screw it. The Gods could strike him down if they wanted, but he sure as hell was gonna try. "Can I ride on your back?"

Steve looked at him with a little too much of a glint in his eyes.

"Suuuuure," he drawled, "if that's what you want, Tony. Anything for you."

Tony swallowed and climbed on Steve's back, and oh _God_ this is Steve's fur, he could feel Steve's muscles bunching under him, he was gonna die _please_ let him die right here, right now oh God oh God--

"You're not gonna die, Tony," Steve chuckled, just a _little_ bit breathless. "Not on my watch."

Tony was pretty sure he was gonna die anyways, if not of the sexiness of _oh my God riding on Steve's back what_ then definitely of why did I say that out loud oh God Steve _heard me_. He was too busy being giddy to hear Phil say "Christ, not you guys _too_!?"

+++

"So I think your cat hates me," Natasha said, straddling Clint. They had taken to a no-pets rule in the bedroom.

"That's nonsense," Clint snaked a hand up Natasha's spine. Natasha sighed down his neck. "She's named after you."

"Caw," other-Clint said, on the coffee table outside.

"Fuck off, I can't fucking understand you," Natasha hissed, pacing against the bedroom door.

:'(, other-Clint thought.

**Author's Note:**

> Tapped this out on the phone, in bed, at my parents' for Christmas. I don't actually own a pet but this just begged to be written! Let me know if the body languages are wrong
> 
> Also sorry for the italics onslaught I couldn't resist :'D


End file.
